Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
