I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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