He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
