Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
