remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
