She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
