turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
