the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
