wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
