On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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