i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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