I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
