God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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