I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
