glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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