this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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