love makes seman taste better
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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