I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
