No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
