the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
