ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
