Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I met the friendliest cop last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
