i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Two words: nipple clamps
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