quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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