He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
