Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
