yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
