I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
