I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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