i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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