I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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