Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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