The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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