dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
