im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
