I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
