Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
