this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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