she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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