I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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