My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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