My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Blood and glitter go together right?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
