dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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