You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
