I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
