She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
