Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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