it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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