Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
