took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Boobs speak an international language.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
