I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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