Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
