I just saw a hot homeless man
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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