I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
