I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
