I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
