I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
